Let Some Grief Into The Spin

A monarch butterfly hovers over my windshield as I stop at the corner on my way to the doctor. It takes my worry with it as it flies away, but leaves me thinking of her.

Maddie bittersweetly grasps a funny cat stapler at the store and says, “Mommy, we don’t have anyone to buy this stuff for anymore.” We laugh at the stapler and smile thinking of her as Maddie puts it back on the shelf.

I scroll through texts looking for some good ol’ fashioned snarky exchanges. Thank heavens for colleagues that would’ve gotten along famously with her. I imagine her joining in and chuckle.

There are many of these moments that seep in and work to make the cracks in our hearts a tad wider. So many.

We find that we don’t point them out anymore. We don’t talk about them. We really don’t put our grief out into the world anymore. There’s a moment here or there but the outside world isn’t stopped any longer and it’s almost like you feel like you’re being silly to throw some grief into that spin.

But. Sister, Sister, Daughter/Niece- that’s been our crew for a long time now.

Take away a sister and our trio becomes a Mother-Daughter duo.

Still with lots of love. Definitely less snark though. Even if we throw it in, it’s just not the same.

It will never be the same. It will be just as special. We have to work to make it so. Maybe some of our grief actually helps keep the world spinning.

The memories, the smiles, the tears, it all keeps us going, as hard as it may be. So we need to share it. As silly as it may make us feel.

Because maybe, just maybe, what grief leaves behind doesn’t make the cracks wider, but works to fill them in?

I’ll aim to give that a try.